STILL LEARNING

I've been treating this mending assignment as a type of mindfulness. I’ve been focussing on everyday things I heal and have to heal and never think about, I’ve been creating creative projects as a form of mental healing and thinking of how I can focus on my own healing instead of other’s healing because I might have neglected myself in the process.

I’ve found a way of healing that might be useful to me, one thats both metaphorical yet also physical. For example: I have felt resentment and anger towards someone who did me wrong in the past so I wrote them a letter explaining what damage the event had caused me. I did not even have to send it as I felt such relief just having written this letter. I made the connection that maybe I can heal my own wounds by creating physical embodiments of these wounds and healing them, so far this really has been quite the invention for me.
I can take any item and work through it both in my mind and in a physical matter. It’s been freeing.

I feel like I try to mend things that are not mine to mend. When my loved ones are in trouble I get too invested, I lie awake at night pondering how I could fix their problem. Their problem, not mine. Last week I actually really got confronted with this problem more than ever before. Why do I feel the need to mend things for others and is this healthy? Is this something I need to fix within myself?

I made my very first pair of pants!!!! This has also been a project of physical and mental mending. I’ve been feeling very unproductive and kind of down the drain as I’ve been stuck at home for these past few months. I really havent gotten a lot done because I didn’t feel like I could bring up the energy to do so. I’ve been interested in sewing and had some fabric that needed to be used up so I decided to transform this fabric into something I could use on the daily: I made my own pair of pants that I really love!!! It took me a week and surprisingly the whole week I worked on this project non stop: this rarely ever happens to me. I was so dedicated and it reminded me that I am capable of getting
things done and it improved my mental state tremendously. I feel motivated to get more done and to learn even more about sewing in order to create sustainable pieces.

As we're stuck inside during this global pandemic and the only one to keep me company is this big ol' brain of mine I've decided to take this project as a form of therapy. I've got a lot of big obstacles in my brain I've been needing to work through and neglecting over the years/months/days. Now that I am finally alone with them they creep up on me. It's time to make the change and heal myself <3

Something that has been really creeping up on me these days is unresolved trauma I have floating around in my mind. It's been two years and yet I haven't processed it as much as I thought I had, when my mind is empty it wanders off to this place. It's been eating at me, reliving moments I never want to relive again. I wrote a letter to my trauma, to the person who inflicted this wound on me. It took me about a day and a half to write but surprisingly after this activity I felt relieved and as if I did mend a pretty decent part of this wound. Once the world gets back on it's feet I will apply for therapy.

WRITING A LETTER TO TRAUMA

I have been having so much fun lately sewing and creating sustainable and fitting clothing for different body types as I've found clothing is mostly still made for one body type. I've even been thinking about starting a small business as friends have shown interest in buying these type of garments <3 So excited!!!!! This mending program has really gotten me out of my creative rut and shitty state of mind

OPENING UP TO THE WORLD

As someone who is such an advocate for mental health I never really, truly open up about obstacles I've had to get past in my life. As much healing I've done on myself with very hard work in the past few years, as little have I shared with the world. I feel like I shouldn't feel the shame that comes with overcoming an eating disorder or surviving sexual abuse - yet I feel it deeply. I've never shared this online and barely any of my close friends know about these things I've fought for. I really want to help people and maybe even in the future help other people who struggle with these things find their way back to health. I would really like to be more open and share my story.

I did end up starting a lil business project I can expand later on!! I've been taking limited orders for pants and have sewed dozens of masks for people in need in exchange for a small price. I'm proud of myself! In this process I learned more about fabrics and sewing and I continue to explore a more motivated and productive side of quarantine me.